Eep

Emily and I didn't invent a secret language called Eep in middle school. We just pretended that we did. I don't remember if we ever had a discussion about the logistics of inventing a secret language and gave up on it, or if we were pragmatic about the whole thing right from the beginning. We just needed Melanie Kim to think that we had made up a language and that she was excluded from it. So Emily would say a few 'eeps' at recess and I'd pretend to laugh at what she said. I do remember that the satisfaction of leaving her out, or watching Melanie Kim 'eep' as she pretended she was in on a language that really wasn't, was never as satisfying as I had expected. And it was the kind of achievement we couldn't tell other people. Our classmates didn't care. And it seemed too mean of an act to brag to my friends.

That was always the problem. We hated Melanie Kim. But she thought we were her friends, if not from actual like than a social necessity. We were her only friends in sixth grade. I was practically a gift: an Asian girl who was new in town and who'd missed the first few days of school. Naturally, we were placed together and told to be friends. And Emily? Well, she became my friend, so Melanie scored a 2-for-1 deal with us. We were too nice to be outright mean. Or perhaps too cowardly. Too selfish. Too by-the-books good. Though it's entirely possible that we didn't talk too much of our disdain for Melanie. We were, when it comes downright to it, too nerdy to be full out mean. We were preoccupied with books and trying to impress each other and our hatred for Ms. Brady.

Whenever I look back at my middle school years, I am astounded by the misguided self confidence I had with me in those early days. I believed myself to be special and smarter than everyone and who cares about anything else? I think Emily and I worked well together because she believed the same thing. Seventh grade followed sixth grade, then eighth, then high school, and college. And every year, we didn't become smarter, but more knowledgeable. We quit math team. We listened to pop music. We became self aware. And we got friends who grew more interesting and more like us every year. Until finally we began to wear our confidence not as a shield, but a way to enjoy the world and became so cool that we didn't need to invent a fake language to feel superior. We already are.

Then again, that's what I had thought in the sixth grade.