Mother of Pearl

I know that many people in the world think that their mom is crazy. And given the prevalence of mental illness in our society, I'd say that yes, maybe some of their moms really are crazy. But my mom takes absurdity to a whole new level.

Last night, I went to the bathroom to wash up and discovered the counter to be newly cleaned, so clean in fact, that my toothbrush was not in the holder where it's supposed to be. Yet it took five minutes of debating just to point out to Mother that my toothbrush really was missing. After which you said, "Oh, the orange one? I didn't think anyone was using it so I put it back." Into the linen closet. She'd somehow assumed that someone had unwrapped a new toothbrush, put it into the holder, and dutifully turned and wet it every night without actually using it. And concluded that the only right thing to do was to put it back into the closet.

The adventures continued when I put away the brush and rinsed my mouth with mouthwash... which tasted unusually bland. I asked Mother if she had put water in the mouthwash, but fully expected her to yell at me for being paranoid. Much to my surprise, I was right. Mother really did pour water into the mouthwash. A lot of water. "I was afraid it tasted too spicy" was her explanation. That tingling feeling is sort of the point of mouthwash, Mother.

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Lying about how much she misses me...

Mother: When you were away at college, I sat on the stoop and cried each day for four years.

Moi: Why'd you have to sit outside to cry?

Mother: To be a little closer to you.