Gak Would Smack You

Attention All Applicants:
The smart ones of you who worked in labs and earned prestigious internships at every opportunity should take a cue from the lazy ones and learn how to write a proper cover letter. The lazy ones of you who wrote convincing letters should have spent your summers doing research instead of waiting tables by the seaside. If you two could just learn from each other and either learn to write a letter or smarten up and get some credentials, that'd just rock my world. Thanks.

Sincerely Unimpressed.



Attention One Particular Applicant:
Dear Big Red Dumbass-
(I don't use the term lightly, you know how I feel about swears and pseudo-swears)
If you are going to congratulate yourself on your "meticulous editorial skills" and "superior writing" and act like the pompous Ivy Leaguer that you are, it might help if you didn't have three misspelled words in your résumés. It'd also help if you didn't use words out of context. Go read a dictionary, English Major. No wonder you had to be an editor of a magazine you made up. I wouldn't have let you edit anything either. You should thank me for being merciful and not letting Gak see your stuff. Gak does not make enough money to cover your hospital fees.

Sincerely Insulted


(So I'm printing a few résumés I've received, and Claire the Programmer AKA Sister Claire Francis, AKA Claire the Awesome, spots the materials)

Claire: Are you looking for jobs under a different name? That is so weird.