Crest Fallen

Claire says that when she comes home from the UK she buys Crest toothpaste. There's something about Crest that other toothpastes can't replicate. Crest, please sponsor me. I'm in a sell-out mood today. Earlier, I suggested we go to Big Gulp and Subway for sponsorship so we could get more heart attack people in our study.

I like to talk to drunk people about my Scottish heritage, because it's funny when they follow. When I talk to sober people about my Scottish heritage, it just makes me feel sad when they look at me with earnest eyes. The facts of the case are these: (1) The people I work with know that I am Taiwanese (well, one still thinks I'm from China). (2) That I used to live in Taiwan and went back to visit in October. (3) That I was not an American citizen until recently. (4) That my grandparents live in Taiwan. (5) Lee is a very common name.

You would think that the people I work with would be able to piece these together, along with my (apparently) extremely Chinese face, to know that I am indeed not descended from a warrior clan of Scottish highlanders, despite my key chain with a Lee crest. You would be incredibly wrong. My key chain came up in conversation today but after 10 minutes of going on about "my heritage," I had to pull the plug and shut the whole thing down myself. There was just no fun in it for me when people are so wholehearted convinced that I'm Scottish. Tomorrow, I tell everyone I'm an archery champ who bumped Geena Davis out of the Olympics in 1999. And that I make films under the name Alan Smithee.