North America Briefing

Sometimes, caught up in the absurdity and harshness of life in Eddie Bert, I forget that life is pretty ridiculous back home, too. Thank God, then, for the New York Times (and for all the British kids that say, "You've got to love America," or "Only in the States," or "That happened in America, right?" every time I tell an absurd story).

Three offerings from today's main stories:

Now, I'm assuming the whole Cheney shooting incident thing has been made fun of to death, but this thing is just too precious. With lines like, "Dr. David Blanchard, the emergency room chief, estimated that Mr. Whittington had more than 5 but "probably less than 150 to 200" pellets lodged in his body," how can you not smile? More than 5, but lss than 150 to 200 is very reassuring.

Moving on. Bottled water. Again, this is recycled material. Folks poke fun at this all the time (and it's just starting to dawn on me, the environmental damages bottled water can incur, not so much pumping out the water, but imagine the fuel costs of transporting water from Fiji to your local grocer. Completely unnecessary costs. But we're getting off topic.). But in today's Times, well, this quote is just adorable in a really, really, sad way:

'From those first irresistible green bottles of Perrier, Americans have been positively cultish about water. "I could not get through the day without Poland Spring," said Mark Swigart, a pharmaceutical sales representative in the Boston area. "And sometimes for a special treat I'll spring for a bottle of Fiji or Volvic." '

It's WATER, Mark Swigart. Water.

And now, we head back to the UK for more absurd news. And by the way, I don't go out of my way looking for these stories. These aren't in the offbeat sections of some hidden paper, but headlines. This one is from The Guardian, regarding the global spread of English, which is seen as a 'threat to the UK' because the more people that speak the language fluently, the less the English have an advantage of others for speaking the language. In fact:

"In China, 60% of primary school children learn English and more people in India and China speak the language fluently than anywhere else in the world."

Ah ha, ha, ha. That also means that more people in India and China speak English than the States. Well, UK, maybe you shouldn't have tried to colonize the ENTIRE WORLD a few years back. That would have helped you preserve the advantage, now, wouldn't it?